When Women Become Insecure About Male/Female Roles.

A single woman I knew who is in her late thirties asked me if she should allow a man to carry her packages to appear more helpless. She had read a book on how to get a man, and that was one of the suggestions – appear to need him.

Another woman I know who is highly intelligent recently told me that men have to be manipulated in order to “catch” and keep them happy. Men have to feel adored and be the smarter ones even if they aren’t. She insisted that it’s up to the woman to create the illusion of male superiority even if the females are stronger. They must give the impression they weaker. In other words, play the game, otherwise prepare to never find a mate.

I responded by giving her my theory on the inherent problems this type of behavior produces. Here it is. At some point, it is more than likely a woman will tire of game playing and lose respect for the man she is manipulating. In order to hold on to the attraction she initially felt, she might begin to feel tremendous pressure to intensify the game. Although she started the relationship in this way, she might have hoped to bring him up to a level of maturity where she’d be able to back off somewhat. That usually doesn’t happen. A kind of mother/son relationship is likely to occur and, under these circumstances, she has become his mother.

She represses her own needs in order to cajole and give him unconditional love. Resentment can set in because she is doing all the work in order to make him feel superior. She might ultimately see the man she is manipulating as hopeless, lame and incapable of a stable relationship. Then she starts repeatedly try to meet him on a level playing field. Even though he might go along with the program, it’s not uncommon for him to see her behavior as nagging. She acted one way to get him now she’s changing the rules Although he might complain to his friends, he won’t stop it because he is the center of her world and her efforts are focused on him. It can develop into love/hate relationship that has no happy ending.

Reunion

Copyright, Frances Metzman, Reunion, 2018

 

It had taken Toni two hours to put herself together for the reunion with Caroline and Lana, two women who had meant so much to her in the past.  Until a week ago she hadn’t seen or heard from either one of them for sixteen years.  At first, they had occasionally phoned then e-mailed, and after all communication stopped, they lost track of what everyone was up to.

Studying herself in the mirror, Toni hoped she gave the appearance of success, confidence and a woman who had arrived.  In the last year an urge to meet up with the old friends had become progressively stronger until Toni got their new e-mail addresses through old friends and made the arrangements.  They all decided to wait until they met to play catch-up.  She wanted to show her mentors how far she had come from being an administrative assistant, a euphemism for secretary, at Scarducci, Adden and Drugers. The law firm had hired her straight out of high school.  Caroline and Lana were newly graduated young lawyers at the same firm who, unlike Toni, had grown up privileged.

Although Caroline and Lana had treated her well, Toni felt that she didn’t measure up to them because she couldn’t afford to go to college.  She always felt on the rim of their friendship.  Despite having been invited to both their homes on a couple of occasions, in her perception, she never entered the inner circle of their lives.  Looking back, she knew that feeling opaque in their presence was because of her own insecurities. Yet, undeniably, knowing them had been a life-changing experience.  She could now present herself as a person of substance.

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